Sunday, November 18, 2012

Simply The Best

I have found that K-pop fans and Whovians all have one thing in common.
Steam Powered Giraffe.
I don't know how or why this is true. Perhaps it's because they are all amazing things to be loved and adored. In my new found love of SPG, I went in search of fandom connections and found that so many people have these three things in common;
A love for K-pop, Doctor Who and Steam Powered Giraffe.

"Epic and so cool."

A series of writings

Like the title says, I will be giving you some of the things i've written, and yes, they're all copywritten. If anyone is reading, I hope you enjoy the things i've written.

Some have titles but many of them don't. There is even a song that, to me, sounds very country...and I hate country music. So, without further ado....

Darkness Revealed

Raining, Raining,
On my head.
Raining, Raining,
Inside i'm dead.

Thunder, Lightning,
Inside my brain.
Crashing, Falling,
There's so much pain.

Cursing, Staring,
No one's there.
Smashing, Hating,
Blood everywhere.

Gasping, Drowning,
Darkness prevails.
Bleeding, Burning,
Now it hails.

Twisting, Screaming,
Blood on my skin.
Thrashing, Peircing...
It's Raining again

One Day

Can you see me?
Do you need me?
I sit and wonder,
If it'll be much longer,
Before you break my heart in two.

I need you to see me,
Need you to hear me,
Before I fall into darker skies.
I loved you madly,
and you treated me badly.

But here I am again with you,
There I go talking to you,
Here I go, still loving you,
But dont you see...

I need you to see me,
I need you to free me,
I need you to BE me,
For just one day...

So you can sit in your room
While fighting the dark.
Walk through the day and pull away
From everything and everyone you know.....

For just one day....
So I can finally say,
I'm Leaving the prison
you've locked me in,
I'm shoving you inside it,
Take the key and I'll hide it....
And just walk away


Wind in my hair, sorrow in my eyes.
Thinking of the past,building my disguise.
Sitting on the waters edge, feeling nothing but the sand beneath my bare and naked feet.

I look for my reflection,there is nothing I can see.I look upon the water,for some fading hope of light.All that lies is the future,and something not quite right.
Heartbreak and corruption,they seem to lead the way.I look upon the sand behind me,
where fear and rejection lie.
Where once there was love,now there is only hate.

Broken hearts and broken dreams,
they surround me every day.I seem to be the strong one, but that is just a lie.
I seem to others a morning glory,
a vision to partake.
What they don't see with their own eyes,
is that it's all a big mistake.


A Hush fell over the crowd.
Then a light went out and screams were heard that
sounded as if they came from the ends of the earth.
The beat of the music went on,
But her heart did not.
She laughed and danced
and had a wonderful time,
or so it is im told....
But how, I scream, when she wasn't even that old,
could she be taken so very far away,
From me, from the world, from life.
I try to think of happy things,
but all of those are gone now.
She was my everything and now i'm lost without her.
All that's left are memories,
but it doesn't seem like those are enough.
I long to hear her silly laugh,
to feel her arms around me.
I want her here,
I want her back with me,
But this I know,
is never meant to be.
The only thing to do now is ride out each day,
and hope that one day, a hush will fall over the raging,
wailing, screaming, suffering and suffocating anguish in my heart..

Copywrite>Karen Edwards

Monday, November 12, 2012

Sunday, November 11, 2012

So what happens now?

I don't know who I am anymore.
I lost myself almost 7 years ago.
When she died, so did I, in a way. I feel so empty and lost and alone. Nobody reads my blog, so what harm will come of me posting my feelings. Nobody is there to hear me, to comfort me, to dry these tears that come nearly every day. I don't even tell my best friends how I feel.
It feels like I was forced onto a bullet train to nowhere and when I came out the other end, I wasn't me anymore. I had been transformed into some empty shelled, robotic version of myself. Many days I wake up, wishing that I hadn't. There are other things that contribute to these feelings.
I don't have a family of my own. No significant other, no children, and I think I never will. My sister has her own family. Married with children, three of which are adults now and two of those are starting lives of their own. It's not something that anyone does on purpose, but I feel so, left out, forgotten.
I try to reach out, into the vastness of the world and when I pull my hands back, they're empty. Always empty. I drag myself from my bed and put on my mask, every single hate-filled day. I smile and laugh when expected to. I never let anyone see behind the facade. But sometimes I feel the cracks grow and i'm terrified that people will see, so I stuff them full of things. Things that make me forget, even if only for a short while, that i'm so lost, empty, hollow. And no, alcohol and drugs aren't either of those things.
Abusing substances doesn't solve anything.
I used to write, mostly poetry. I don't think I was ever really that good at it, but I kind of miss it. I haven't written anything in these last six and a half years. I stare at the screen, or the paper...and it just stares right back at me, mocking me with its emptiness.
I used to be expressive. I was never outgoing or happy go lucky, but I wasn't this thing that i've become.
The only thing that I currently use to fill my time is listening to music. It helps numb the pain, if only for a very short while. I've never been musically gifted in any way, but it lets me let go, without judging me. Without leaving me behind. Without letting go of my hand. But at the end of the day, the music ends and there's nothing left but me and my ever tormenting thoughts.
No, im not suicidal.
Sometimes I'm just tired of existing, especially when it feels like there's point.

If anyone does read this. Don't flip out and call the looney bin on me. Don't ask me if i'm okay. Don't get in my face and insist I get help. I'll only tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.
I'm a bottler. It's the only coping mechanism I have.
I'm just venting, so please, don't form an intervention for me.
If you want to offer kind words of love and encouragment, by all means, give them to me. Kind words of love and encouragment, without the hint of "oh man, she's really lost her marbles".
Right now I just want to be left alone with my K-pop and Steam Powered Giraffe.
You heard me.

Steam. Powered. Giraffe.